Theyve gone and bought me slippers
What will they think of next?
I dont need flamin slippers
I know how to text!
Then Ill get a cardi
Chequered patterned wool
Choose a Stannah Stair Lift
Thatll help me pull!
Its funny how the youngsters
Pigeonhole the old
Put them in to boxes
The watch them growing mould
But when does it start to happen
What women call The Change?
Transition to the Third Age
Onset of the mange?
One day you’re in the wine bar
Open necked shirt and chat
Ordering Veuve Clicquot
Giving it all that
Then suddenly its over
Happens in a flash
Blink, you just might miss it
The grey hairs in your tache
Its like they get together
Decide its time for you
To drop out of the A-team
And join the Zimmer crew
Theyve even chosen vehicles
A kind of senior car
MPVs and Volvos
And ugly Multipla
Weve got sticks and senior moments
They like to laugh at those
Big pants for the women
And run-free pantyhose
Sanatogen for vim and vigour
Saga for spare time
Fat Fighters and Line Dancing
When youre past your prime
Careful when you cross the road
Watch out! Take good care!
Suddenly these phrases
Hit you from nowhere
Then its Friends Reunited
Catch up with 4B
Find out what they’re up to
No more Glastonbury
Kaleidoscope catalogue frenzy
That looks rather good
Remote-control coffee holder
Smoke alarm cooker hood
Do you try to keep up?
With Twitter, Bluetooth and Wii
Theres YouTube, iPads, Facebook
Lets have a cup of tea
You dont ever want to lose it
Your grip on reality
But how do you relate to
Pete Bloody Doherty?
Soon its Stiffs Reunited
Now theres a novel thought
To terrify the oldsters
From drinking all the port
No more French Connection
No more sexy gear
Society demands you move on
Country Casuals for you, dear
Women cause the problem
Say Mutton dressed as Lamb
That skirt it doesnt suit her
Doesnt she give a damn?
To those who point the finger
Saying Age with dignity,
I say, Dont be so judgemental
One day it tolls for thee
So to those who just might listen
To this my plaintive plea
Just stay off mail order
Grow old disgracefully