A Poem – They’ve gone and bought me slippers

They’ve gone and bought me slippers

What will they think of next?

I don’t need flamin’ slippers

I know how to text!

Then I’ll get a cardi

Chequered patterned wool

Choose a Stannah Stair Lift

That’ll help me pull!

It’s funny how the youngsters

Pigeonhole the old

Put them in to boxes

The watch them growing mould

But when does it start to happen

What women call ‘The Change’?

Transition to the Third Age

Onset of the mange?

One day you’re in the wine bar

Open necked shirt and chat

Ordering Veuve Clicquot

Giving it all that

Then suddenly it’s over

Happens in a flash

Blink, you just might miss it

The grey hairs in your ‘tache

It’s like they get together

Decide it’s time for you

To drop out of the A-team

And join the Zimmer crew

They’ve even chosen vehicles

A kind of ‘senior car’

MPVs and Volvos

And ugly Multipla

We’ve got sticks and senior moments

They like to laugh at those

Big pants for the women

And run-free pantyhose

Sanatogen for vim and vigour

Saga for spare time

Fat Fighters and Line Dancing

When you’re past your prime

‘Careful when you cross the road’

Watch out! Take good care!

Suddenly these phrases

Hit you from nowhere

Then it’s Friends Reunited

Catch up with 4B

Find out what they’re up to

No more Glastonbury…

Kaleidoscope catalogue frenzy

That looks rather good

Remote-control coffee holder

Smoke alarm cooker hood

Do you try to keep up?

With Twitter, Bluetooth and Wii

There’s YouTube, iPads, Facebook

Let’s have a cup of tea

You don’t ever want to lose it

Your grip on reality

But how do you relate to

Pete Bloody Doherty?

Soon it’s Stiffs Reunited

Now there’s a novel thought

To terrify the oldsters

From drinking all the port

No more French Connection

No more sexy gear

Society demands you move on

Country Casuals for you, dear

Women cause the problem

Say ‘Mutton dressed as Lamb’

That skirt it doesn’t suit her

Doesn’t she give a damn?

To those who point the finger

Saying ‘Age with dignity’,

I say, ‘Don’t be so judgemental

One day it tolls for thee

So to those who just might listen

To this my plaintive plea

Just stay off mail order

Grow old disgracefully

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